Gods Grief, Gates wish

God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he/she yanked up to Heaven
three influential humans; Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates.
"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each
have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." Then,
with another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.
Clinton immediately called in his cabinet. "I have good news and bad
news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The
bad news is God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."
In Russia Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news
and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a god after
all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world in a week."
Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have
good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the
three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we
don't have to fix Windows 95."

The two lovers

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"Well what do you do all day," asked Martha.

"Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."

"Well then where are you?"

"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."
Try this on for size

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before
getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession
to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because
she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding,
it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said
he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important
thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said
that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist,
it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage,
it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said
that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other
things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on
to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off
her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took
off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl
fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we
got married. Why did you still faint?"

The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby."

The guy replied, "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."
The trial

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.

So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him: "You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw that the third guy brought durians."
Bill Gates' First Night


Bill Gates' First Night

BG and his young wife wakes up after their first marriage night. The
woman says: "Finally, I found out, why you called your company
"MicroSoft"
What's the Camel for?

A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On
his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out
back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the
tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men
have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The
captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right
with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not
stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The
sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains
quarters.

The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the
camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning
his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into
town."
The pigs

Farmer Dan buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon,
etc...

After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he
should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the
slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his
ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are
pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around
and will instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are
pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to
impregnate the pigs. So, the loads the pigs into his truck,
drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings
them back and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that
they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try
didn't take and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to
the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back
and goes to bed.

The next morning he wakes to find all the pigs still just standing
around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up
and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs
and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs
are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and
one of them is honking the horn."

DIFFERENT TYPES OF MARRAIGES

Desi Marriage: Getting married after multiple H-1 from Mexico.

Forced Marriage:Getting green card in a month or so, should get
married before that.

Forced & Hurried Marriage: Getting green card in a month and you
have only 2 weeks vacation.

Social Marriage: All of your friends are getting married. so you
should.

Electronic Marriage: Got his/her details on Internet or BBS.

Ambitious Marriage: Marrying an MBBS girl hoping that she will buy
you a porsche/BMW after she starts earning.

Anonymous Marriage: Have seen photo, talked on phone. Engagement in
your absence and getting married the next week you actually saw him/her

Migration Marriage: You work in SF Bay, he/she works in Research
Triangle. You are moving to East Coast after marriage. vice-versa

Common Marriage: Marrying a B.E girl from India, and then sending
her for MS.

Desperate Marriage: Watching too many movies in HBO and cinemax.

Bored Marriage: Got H-1, don't know what to do after work.

Home Sick Marriage: Working some where in Iowa or Maine village you
are the only desi around (may be 2 more), need to talk to someone.

Fill in the Blanks Marriage: F1 - Assistantship - practical training -
Job - H1 - Multiple H1 - ??? - GreenCard:

H1-H1 Marriage: You know her/him well, drives nice car has a good
TV/Stereo, cooks good what more you want. (The Best Buy)

Head Quarters Marriage: You (USA) - { Parents - Parents of spouse} -
He/She (USA) { Both are in India HQ }

Commuter Marriage: (applies to Silicon Valley Bay mostly) you working
in San Jose, he/she works in San Francisco, Both living in Fremont.

Tax Relief Marriage: It is nearing december; one has to get married to
get a tax relief

Alien Encounter

A young couple is living on a farm. One evening a flying saucer lands on the
farm, right next to their house. Out the flying saucer steps a young Martian
couple, and they look very much like humans. The earth woman invites the
Martians for dinner. They all sit down and start talking. They begin
exchanging ideas and traditions, and they get to liking each other so much
that they decide to switch partners for the night. The farmer and the
Martian's wife go into one of the rooms, and the farmer's wife and the
Martian man into the room. As the Martian man takes off his pants, the
farmer's wife looks down & sees that his phallus is extremely small.
"What are you gonna do with that?" she says. "I'll show you," he says, and
proceeds to twist his right ear. Suddenly his penis extends to a foot & a
half. However, it is still only as thick as a pencil. "That's pretty long,"
says the woman, "but it s really not very wide." The Martian then reaches
up, twists his left ear, and then becomes thick as a huge sausage. They then
proceed to have sex. The next morning, the Martians take off & the farmer
and his wife are having breakfast. "So, how was it?" asks the farmer.
"It was great," says the wife, "the best sex I've ever had! How was yours?"
"Well," says the farmer, "it was kinda weird. All night long she kept
playing with my ears."
for unix user

For those who have worked with UNIX, you've no doubt seen the various lists
of "funny" responses from unix when you misenter "appropriate" mistakes
...
here is yet another such list.

For those who remember UNIX!

Title: Funny Unix csh/sh commands:
===============================

% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans
% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% ar t God
ar: God does not exist
% ar r God
ar: creating God
% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change operation go?
^ Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what
would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
/* not csh but sh */
$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
Punjab Driver's license Application 
 

                STATE of PUNJAB DRIVING

 LICENSE APPLICATION FORM

  

     

  Last name: (Check appropriate box)

  (_) Kaur

  

  (_) Singh

  (_) do not know

  First name:   (Check appropriate box) 

  

  (_) Balwinder

  (_) Jaswinder

  (_) Surinder

  (_) Joginder

  (_) Maninder

  (_) Dont know

 

  Age: ____

 

  Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ not sure

 

  Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

 

  Occupation:

  (_) Farmer

  (_) Mechanic

  (_) Pehelwan

  (_) House wife

  (_) Un-employed

 

  Spouse's Name:

 >__________________________

  Relationship with spouse:

 

  (_) Sister

  (_) Brother

  (_) Aunt

  (_) Uncle

  (_) Cousin

  (_) Mother

  (_) Father

  (_) Son

  (_) Daughter

  (_) Pet

 

  Number of children living in household: ___

  Number that are yours: ___

  Mother's Name: _______________________ 

  Father's Name: _______________________ 

  (If not sure, leave blank)

  Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highestgrade completed)

 

  Total number of vehicles you own

  ___ Number of vehicles that still crank 

  ___ Number of vehicles in front yard 

  ___ Number of vehicles in back yard

  ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

 

  Firearms you own and where you keep them: 

 

  ____ truck

  ____ bedroom

  ____ bathroom

  ____ kitchen

  ____ shed

 

  Model and year of your pickup:

 _____________ 194_

 

  Do you have a gun rack? (_)Yes (_) No;

 If no, please explain:

 

  Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: 

  (_) Champak

  (_) Indrajal

  (_) Star and style

  (_) The great Punjab Dairy

  (_) Blank sheets

  ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

 

  ___ Number of times you've seenanother person exactly like you 

 

  ___ Number of times you've seenyourself in a UFO

 

  How often do you bathe:

  (_)Weekly

  (_)Monthly

  (_)Not Applicable

  How far is your home from a pavedroad? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

 

  Do You know driving    Yes     No     Not Sure

 

  Do U drive             Right Handed   Left Handed     Hath chod ke

 

 Do not write anything in the above form.Its for Office use only