Hilarious



The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four
days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first
day's mistake.

MONDAY:
For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707
after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should
have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask
for Mrs.Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying
telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad
yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has
one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and
ask for Mrs.Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it.
Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have
not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my
housekeeper but she quit!
Jeeves, the butler

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for
the evening. The woman of
the house decided to give their butler,
Jeeves, the rest of the night
off.

She said they would be home very late, and
that he should just enjoy his
evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't
having a good time at the
party, so she came home early, alone. Her
husband had to stay as
several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw
Jeeves sitting by himself in
the dining room. She called for him to
follow her, and led him into the
master bedroom. She then closed and locked
the door.

She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she
said. "Take off my dress".

He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she
continued. "Take off my stockings
and garter belt." He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and
panties."

As he did this, the tension continued to
mount. She looked at him and
then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you
wearing my clothes again, you're
fired!"

Magic


A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same
tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"He's hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all,
the
captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself
on a
piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This
went
on
for a day and another and another.
After 3 days the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?" Get those women out a here

~~~ The Rules ~~~


* The female always makes the rules.
* The rules are subject to change at any time without prior
notification.
* No male can possibly know all the rules.
* If the females suspects the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all the rules.

* The female is never wrong.
* If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which
was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
* If the above applies, the male must apologize immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.
* An apology without flowers is not an apology.

* The female may change her mind at any time.
* The male must never change his mind at any time without the
expressed consent of the female.
* The male may not point out that the women has changed her mind.

* The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
* The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants
him to be angry or upset.
* The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know
whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

* The female is ready when she is ready.
* The male must be ready at all times.

* If the female is PMS, all rules are null & void.

* The male may not inquire if the woman is angry or upset.
* The male may not inquire when the women will be ready.
* The male may not inquire about the women's time of the month.
* The male is expected to mind-read at all times.

* The male must earn the respect of the female by giving his life
up in service to her needs and nurturing of her character. (Awww!)

- Compiled by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org
- Original source unknown

Blind Man

A visitor to San Francisco is standing
on a street corner waiting for a
bus when he notices a blind man and his
guide dog. The dog leads the man
into the street, where he is brushed by
an oncoming car. The man is
knocked down, and he rather gingerly
gets back up. He calls the guide
dog over, reaches into his pocket,
pulls out a canine treat, and gives
it to the dog.

The visitor, upon seeing all this,
walks over to the blind man and says,
"That's amazing! Your guide dog led you
into a busy street where you
were nearly run over by a car, and yet
you're giving the dog a treat.
You must really love that dog." The
blind man turns to the visitor and
says, "No, I'm gonna kick that dogs
ass--I'm just trying to find out
which end is which."

Hillary

Bill, Hillary, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up
heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.

God addresses Al Gore first ;
"Al, what do you believe?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that
we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used,
the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and
sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people
should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one
should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in
feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit
at my right."

God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe?"

"I believe you're in my chair." Chicken to the rescue

Scott received a parrot for his birthday. This bird was a fully grown
parrot with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other
word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the
least, rude.

Scott tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to set a good
example. But nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got
worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Scott put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming
-- then suddenly there was quiet.

Scott was afraid he may have hurt the bird and threw open the freezer
door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Scott's extended arm and said: "I'm
sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and I
ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Scott was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to
ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?" The Fishermen and the Mermaid

Three guys are out fishing, when one lands a mermaid. She offers to grant
each fisherman a wish in exchange for her freedom.

"OK, double by IQ", says the first fisherman.

"Done", says the mermaid, as the man, to his amazement, begins to recite
Shakespeare.

The second fisherman is so staggered he says to the mermaid, "Triple my
IQ". "Done", says the mermaid, as he spouts solutions to math problems he
never knew existed.

The third fisherman is beside himself. "Quintuple my IQ!" he screams. The
mermaid looks at him and says, "Normally, I don't try to change people's
minds when they ask me for a wish, but I'd really like you to reconsider".

"No, I want my IQ increased 5 times, and if you don't, I won't set you
free."

"Please", says the mermaid. "It will change your entire view of the
universe."

But no matter what the mermaid says, the third fisherman persists. So the
mermaid sighs and says, "Done."

And with that, he became a woman.