The Farmer and the WaterMelons

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing prettty well, but he
was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch
at night and eat all his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up
with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show
up and they see a sign saying "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field
has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off and make up their own sign and post it next to the
farmer's sign. The farmer shows up the next week and looks over the field.
He notices that no watermelons are missing, but reads the sign next to
his :

"Now there are two!!!"
Stupid Dog indeed!!

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos
him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The
butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of
lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten
dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb
in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to
close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down
the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently,
bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the
road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The
butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one
of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the
number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and
looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher,
by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up,
moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the
button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and
the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the
path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path,
takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back
down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door
again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path,
jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He
gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back,
jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy
opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This
dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy
responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten
his key!"

The Final Exam

This past fall semester, at Yale University, there were two sophomores
who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the
quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final,
they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the
final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on
Monday), they decided to go up to Harvard and party with some friends up
there. So they did this and had a great time.

However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day
Sunday and didn't make it back to New Haven until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find the professor
after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him
that they went up to Cambridge for the weekend, and had planned to come back
in time to
study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare
and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to
campus. The prof thought this over and then agreed that they could make up
the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So,
they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the prof
had told them. He
placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and
told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free
radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is
going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: '(95 points) Which tire?'

Kid goes up to his dad and asks "Dad, what is the difference between
theory and reality?" Kids dad goes into a long explination but the kid is still
confused. "OK son, the best way to explain something is by pointing out
an example. Go ask your mom is she would make love to a total stranger
for a million dollars." Kid asks his mom the question and her response is
"to be honest son, since I could do a lot of good for the family with that
kind of money, I would have to say yes." Kid relays this information to his
dad. Kid's dad then says "now go and ask your sister the same
question." Kid asks his sister and her response is "Well, a million dollars
is a lot of money and Mom and Dad could use some help with the bills, so
I would have to say yes" Kid relays this information back to his dad. "Well
there you have it son, the difference between theory and reality." Kid
says "but dad, I still don't understand." "Well son, in theory, we are
sitting on top of two million bucks, but in reality we are living with a
couple of sluts"
Let the girls have it this time

Boy: I know how to please a woman.
Girl: Then please leave me alone.

Boy: I want to give myself to you.
Girl: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Boy: May I see you pretty soon?
Girl: Don't you think I'm pretty now?

Boy: Your hair color is fabulous.
Girl: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

Boy: You look like a dream.
Girl: Go back to sleep.

Boy: I can tell that you want me.
Girl: Yes, I want you to leave.

Boy: I'd go through anything for you.
Girl: Let's start with your bank account.

Boy: May I have the last dance?
Girl: You've just had it.

Boy: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Girl: Yes, but would you stay there?

Boy: Your place or mine?
Girl: Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.

Boy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Boy: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
Girl: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Boy: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Girl: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell
from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a
second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet
president out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the
United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll
giveit to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful fender of the
Western Hemisphere.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not
"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from
Mother-in-law Jokes

Have you heard about this man who took his
mother-in-law to
the zoo and threw her into the crocodile pool.

He is now being sued by
the SPCA for being cruel to the crocodiles.


A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said,
"Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What
shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."
The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"


The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your
passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial,
embalming or cremation?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all


At the funeral, a priest was consoling the
bereaved man:

"Come, come my good man, tears cannot restore your

"Yes, I know... thats why I'm crying."


The president of the service club asked his new

"Would you like to donate something to the home
for the aged?"

The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."


Wife: Dear, this afternoon the big clock fell off
the wall.

Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would
have been hit on the head and badly hurt.

Husband : Oh, my God! That clock has always been
. . . Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now
officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has
commissioned a feasability study in ways of improving efficiency
in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through
and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of
changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of
course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by
participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using
's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all
sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could
be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not
only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal
workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was
anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written
'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter
in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double
letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the
languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to
read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would
be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to
steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of
'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'.

Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words
kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls,
difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze
drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

-- > Organisation : Ze Germun Guvernmentz