The case of God and Dracula
Dracula was killed one day & up he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God.
God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done
going around sucking blood & killing.
"I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll send you
back to earth, BUT not in a human form. You can only be reincarnated into
any other living thing of your choice. So, what would you like to be?"
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a LIVING THING WITH
WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD, heh..heh..heh."
"So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a VAMPIRE BAT.
So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals until
one day when he got killed by a farmer. So up he went again to meet God,
feeling a lil'bit sheepish.
"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll send you back again BUT
not as a human or a bat. What will it be this time?"
Still adamant, Dracula said, "I'll still want to be a LIVING THING WITH
WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD!"
God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what you want", and
turned Dracula into a MOSQUITO.
So back to earth again he went, flying around & sucking blood until one
day, SPLAT! he was squashed by his victim. So up he went again to meet
God, feeling stupid.
"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. BUT, this time you
cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into a NON-LIVING
THING of your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.
Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn me into a NON-LIVING
THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD!! heh...heh...heh"
"No problem," said God and He turns Dracula into a NON-LIVING THING WITH
WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD.
Dracula became a WHISPER (sanitary) napkin.
Lawyer and the boy
A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and their
little boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello."
Lawyer: "Is your mommy there?"
Boy: (whisper) "Yes."
Lawyer: "Can I speak with her?"
Boy: (whisper) "She's busy."
L: "Is your daddy there?"
B: (whisper) "Yes."
L: "Can I speak with him?"
B: (whisper) "He's busy."
L: "Is there anyone else there?"
B: (whisper) "The fire department."
L: "Can I talk to one of them?"
B: (whisper) "They're busy."
L: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"
B: (whisper) "The police department."
L: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"
B: (whisper) "They're busy."
L: "Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department
AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy.
WHAT are they doing?"
B: (whisper) "They're looking for me."
A man's misfortune
God created the donkey and told him: you will work tireless from
sun up to sun down, carrying heavy bags on your back, you'll eat
grass, you will not have intelligence and you live 50 years.
You will be an DONKEY!
The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too
much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.
God created the dog and told him:
You will look after the men house, you will be his best friend,
you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years.
You will be a DOG!
The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10.
God gave him 10 years.
God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to
branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will
live 20 years.
The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give only
10 years and God agreed.
Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only
rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to
control other animals, you will dominate the world and
will live for 20 years.
The man answered: God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not
enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the donkey
refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the
10 years that the monkey refused.
That was what God did, and since then, Man live 20 years like a
man, then he gets married and spend 30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying the load on his back, then when
his children leave, spend 15 years like a dog, looking after the
house and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets old,
retire, and spend 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house
to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse
the grandchildren.
1998 Bumper Stickers(some are reruns...)
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can
find a rock.
Squawks
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for
maintenance crews, and are normally accompanied by a response from
the maintenance worker.
(Don't let these scare you about air travel any more than any other
tidbits you hear in the news.)
>From the "squawk sheets":
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #2: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW"
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit"
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing"
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud"
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Thanx to Scott Winter.
-=+=-
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A cheerful heart is good medicine... Prov 17:22a (NIV)
The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal
her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are
all in the middle row.
Q: How do you know a blond likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.
Q: What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
A: Cherry Float
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost
their popularity?
A: B.J. (Stands for: Blo_ Jo_)
Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What do blonde virgins eat?
A: Baby food.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1: "All the blondes have gone home!"
A2: Has that blonde gone yet?
A3: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on
Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds
her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange
juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing
board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around
for two weeks whining.
Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during
parade
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she
has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A: She says, "Next".
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling
idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.
Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard the British were
coming?
A: She stopped sucking.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: What does a blond say during a porno?
A: There I am!!
Q: How is having sex with a blonde and
eating Jell-o alike?
A: They both wiggle when you eat'em.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate
chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out all the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little
packet.
Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team!
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually
activ
A: "No, I just lie there."
Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
A: "Thanks, guys..."
Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them to have sex with them!
Q: Did you hear about the scared blonde nurse down by the
water?
A: She won't go DOWN ON THE DOC.
Q: Did you hear about the blond that was treated at the
emergency
room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie
cord
Q: Why do blondes wear tight skirts?
A: To keep their legs together.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number 11 ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,
and a blonde?
Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and
a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every
month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.
Americans vs. Canadians
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
**** Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans -
"Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision."
Canadians -
"Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid
collision."
Americans -
"This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course."
Canadians -
"No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans -
"THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN
THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH,
OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS
SHIP."
Canadians -
"This is a lighthouse. Your call."
Few good one-liners
"Take the message, Ms Jones, and I'll get it from you later."
"Your little girl wants to kiss you over the phone."
"Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?"
"At the bottom."
The only opportunity a fish get to take a shower is to jump up when it rains.
"What is the reason women live longer than the men?"
"They have no wives."
She is a very strict nudist. Won't even use dressing on her salad.
A gossip is a person who believes much more than she hears.
"I can't believe he's in the hospital. Why, only yesterday I saw him
with a blonde."
"So did his wife."
Its a very big hotel. To call the desk you dial long distance.
A joint checking account is never overdrawn by the wife. It is just
under-deposited by the husband.
"Are you fond of nuts?"
"Is that a proposal?"
My child has sensitive ears. He screams every time I pull them.
"I always get seasick the first day out."
"Then why don't you go a day late?"
"Why do you eat your dessert first?"
"My stomach is upset."
What silly advertising! They say: Take Bromo-Seltzer for a headache.
Who wants a headache?
"I play piano by ear."
"Doesn't it interfere with your earrings?"
My eyes were never good and I have a wife to prove it.
"Can you read Chinese?"
"Only when it's printed in English."
"Do you stir the coffee with right hand or left?"
"Neither, I use a spoon."