Application for permission to date my daughter

NOTE:This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________ DATE OF
BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________
IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________
BADGES_____________________________________________ HOME
ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____ Do
you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ If NO,
__ Number of years married________If less than your age,
__ Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____ A
waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______ A
condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring, or a
belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________ (IF YES TO THE ABOVE,
does LATE mean to you?______________________________
___ In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to
___ In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to
___ Church you attend_________________________________ How often you
attend_______ When would be the best time to interview your father,
mother, and priest?_____________ Answer by filling in the blank.
Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. (that means I
won't tell anyone EVER) A: If I were shot, the last place I would want
shot would be________________________ B: If I were beaten, the last
bone I would want broken is my________________________ C: A woman's
place is in the__________________________________________________ D:
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about
is____________________ E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice
about her first is______________________ NOTE: if answer E begins with
T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and
running in a serpentine fashion is advised. What do you want to do IF
you grow up__________________________________________ What is the
current going rate of a hotel
room?____________________________________ Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C:
9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE (circle one)

_______________________________________ Signature (that means sign
your name moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it
would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases
(you might watch your back).

Marriage Quotes

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
The most effective way to remember your spouse's birthday is
to forget it once..
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch
her in my pockets.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing
your parachute.
For a lot of people, marriage is a three-ring circus. You have the
engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman
speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and
the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was
in love and didn't notice it."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure
of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your
bags. I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack
clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says, "Pack'em all, you're
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a
wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But
she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The
husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It
really works!"
Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me
and my second one didn't.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
What is the penalty for bigamy? -Two mother-in-laws.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In
fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to
choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two >
girlfriends. . .
A true music lover is a man who puts his ear to the key hole to
listen to a beautiful woman singing in the tub.
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE: Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.

MIT Course Evaluation

MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991

The Best and Worst Comments Received:

"Text is useless. I use it to kill
roaches in my room."

"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a
caffeine high."

"In class, the syllabus is more
important than you are."

"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't
wake up!"

"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when
dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need
it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts
Rembrandt to shame"

"Textbook is confusing...someone with a
knowledge of
English should proofread it."

"Have you ever fallen asleep in class
and awoke in
another? That's the way I felt all

"This class was a religious experience
for me...I had to
take it all on faith."

"The recitation instructor would make a
good parking lot
attendant. He tries to tell you
where to go, but you can never
understand him."

"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you
away from potential exam

"Recitation was great. It was so
confusing that I forgot
who I was, where I was, and what I was
doing--It's a great
stress reliever."

"He is one of the best teachers I have
had...He is
well-organized, presents good lectures,
and creates
interest in the subject. I hope my
comments don't
hurt his chances of getting tenure."

"I would sit in class and stare out the
window at the
squirrels. They've got a cool nest in
the tree."

"The absolute value of the TA was less
than epsilon."

"TA steadily improved throughout the
course...I think he
started drinking and it really
loosened him up."

"Information was presented like a
ruptured fire hose--spraying
in all directions--no way to stop it."

"I never bought the text. My $60 was
better spent on the Led
Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing
the problem sets"

"What's the quality of the text? 'Text
is printed on high
quality paper.'

"The course was very thorough. What
wasn't covered in class
was covered on the final exam."


A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man
found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no
supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this
guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate
bananas,drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze
on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the
corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman
he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when
my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are
there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that
I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I
wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the
island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found
that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make
the hardware.
But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he
confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the
man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she
said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would
you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a
Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat
down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to
slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in
the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically
positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit
down next to her.
"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been
out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm
sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing
for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied,
"I can check my e-mail from here?"

Submitted by: David C.

Steve Willoughby

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Be Careful What You Say

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be damned." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How
long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope
Burden of guilt

A noted criminal defense lawyer was making his closing argument
for his client accused of murder, although the body of the victim had
never been found. The lawyer dramatically turned to the courtroom's
clock and, pointing to it, announced, "Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, I have some astounding news. I have found the supposed victim
of this murder to be alive! In just ten
seconds, she will walk through the door of this courtroom."
A heavy quiet suddenly fell over the courtroom as everyone waited
for the dramatic entry. But nothing happened.
The smirking lawyer continued, "The mere fact that you were watching the
door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom, is clear
proof that you have far more than even a reasonable doubt as to
whether a murder was actually committed." Tickled with the impact of
his cleverness, the cocky lawyer confidently sat down to await
The jury was instructed, filed out, and filed back in just ten
minutes with a guilty verdict. When the judge brought the
proceedings to an end, the dismayed lawyer chased after the jury
"Guilty? How could you convict? You were all watching the door!"
"Well," the foreman explained, "Most of us were watching the door.
But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching
the door.