Confession of a dying wife

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held
her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale
lips moved.

"Jake," she said quietly.

"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."

But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to
talk. I must confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all
right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been
unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand, squeezed it and sobbingly told her, "Now Becky,
don't be concerned. I know all about it," he cried uncontrollably.
"Why else would I poison you?"


Take your time

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a
huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final.
Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked.

He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and
yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real
charmer. Since he was so busy galavanting around the room making sure
that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they
had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the
students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of
the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students
in the class.

Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a
decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that
he did poorly when rushed, and this person standing in the front of the
room barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be
handed in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to assure
himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said
"pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the
front of the room".

Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty..almost
an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally put
down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the
hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the
front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his
exam.

"What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student
stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly
stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the
mountain of papers while he waited) It was clear that the professor had
waited only to give the student a hard time.

"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the profesor gloated, "Your
exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it and, consequently, I'll see you
next term when you repeat my course."

The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you know who I am?"

"What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed
no sign of emotion.

The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name
is?"

"NO", snarled the professor.

The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I
didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his
test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his
test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge
lecture hall....

Teacher-Student

Teacher: " Hello boys, Remember !!! Nothing is impossible. "

One student: "Ok Sir, You please take out all the toothpastes and put
back it into the tube again."

------------

Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are
no longer interested to listen ?"

Student: : "A Teacher. "

------------

Teacher: " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE ?"

One Student: " Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday
sametime ."

------------

Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree,
but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father
didn't
punish him ? "

One Student: " Because George still had the axe in his hand. "

------------

Dr. Sahoo is giving a lecture to medical students. " Now please
observe gentlemen, I place this worm in a glass of water and please
note, it happily swims aorund in this with no bad effects. Now watch
what happens when I place this same worm in beaker of alcohol. See,
it shrivels up and dies. What lesson do we learn from this
experiment ?"

STUDENT: "If one drinks whisky, one will never have worms."

S.H.I.T.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course,
please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you
get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to
take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they
graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of
S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL
RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to
manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (B.I.G.
S.H.I.T.)
Male Guide To Selecting An Outfit 

 

 The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit

 

 

  ----------      -----------             -------------------      -------

 | Are there| No | Are there | "What's a | Are there clothes | No | Buy   |

 |clothes in|--->|clothes in |  hamper?" | strewn in random  |--->| more  |

 | dresser? |    |the hamper?|---------->|piles on the floor?|    |clothes|

  ----------      -----------             -------------------      -------

      | Yes             | Yes                      | Yes

      +---------------------------------------------

      |

      V

  ---------------

 | Take whatever |

 |   is on top   |

  ---------------           ------------------------

      |                    |                        |

      V                    V                        |

  --------  No         ---------               -----------

 |   Is   |---------->| Perform | "Ohmigosh"  |  Spray    |

 |   it   | Not sure  |  smell  |------------>|   with    |

 | clean? |---------->|  test   |             | deodorant |

  --------             ---------               -----------

      | Yes                | "Not bad"

      +--------------------

      |

      V

  --------------                    ---------               -------------

 |For underwear:| "Which ones are  |Will they| "I may get  |Place item on|

 |Are there many|   for my legs?"  |   be    |  arrested." | dirty pile; |

 |    holes?    |----------------->| visible?|------------>| start over  |

  --------------                    ---------               -------------

      | No                              | No

      +---------------------------------

      |

      V

  ---------        ------------        -----------------------------------

 |  Is it  | Yes  |   Do you   | Yes  |But would you rather have a tick on|

 |wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->|  your eyeball than iron a shirt?  |

  ---------        ------------        -----------------------------------

      | No              | No                           | Yes

      +------------------------------------------------

      |

      V

  --------  Kinda             -------       ---------

 |  Does  |----------------->| Is it | No  | Seek the|

 |   it   | "Does it _what_?"|  dark |---->|advice of|

 | match? |----------------->|  out? |     | a female|

  --------                    -------       ---------

      | Yes                      | Yes

      +--------------------------

      |

      V

  ----------

 |  Put on  |

 | clothes! |

  ----------
Good Campaign


Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One.

Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill
out and make someone down below happy."

Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I
would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy."

Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he
pipes
in, "I would instead take 100 $1bills and throw them out to make 100
people
just a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't
stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of
you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."