During World War II, a British pilot was shot down while on a bombing
mission over Germany. He sustained terrible injuries when he crash
landed, but he was pulled unconscious from his plane and taken to a
German military hospital to recover.
When he regained consciousness a few days later, a kindly German doctor was
at his bedside. "Major Howe," said the doctor, "The injuries that you
received when your plane crashed are most severe. Both of your legs and both
of your arms have extensive damage. In fact, your right leg has been crushed
so badly, we have to amputate it immediately. I realize how terrible this
must make you feel. I am a doctor first, and a German second. If I can do
anything to comfort you, please don't hesitate to ask."
"Well Doctor," replied Major Howe, "There is something that you can do for
me. Can you give my amputated leg to the Luftwaffe and ask them to drop it
over England during their next bombing mission. I sure would feel better if
my leg wound up in good old England."
"I see no problem with that," said the doctor. "Consider it done."
So after the operation, the doctor gave the amputated leg to a German
officer with instructions to drop it over England.
Unfortunately, two days later the doctor had to give Major Howe some more
bad news. "Major Howe," said the doctor. "I'm afraid that gangrene has set
in on your left leg, and it too must be amputated. Any requests?"
"Yes," he replied. "Could you drop that leg over England also?"
"Ya," said the doctor, and after the operation, he gave the Brit's leg
to the same German officer and asked him to dispose of it as before.
One week later, the doctor had still more bad news for the Major.
"Major Howe," said the doctor, "We have done everything in our power
to save your two arms, but I'm afraid that gangrene has set in on both
of them and we must amputate immediately. Can I assume that ..."
"Yes," interrupted the Major, "If you would be so kind, old boy,
please see that both of my arms are dropped over good old England."
The doctor promised to take care of his request and he again asked the
same German officer to drop the amputated limbs over England.
This time, however, the officer became perturbed and insisted on
speaking with the British pilot.
"So," said the German officer, "You are the pilot who wanted his right
leg dropped over England?"
"Yes," replied Major Howe. "That is jolly well correct."
"Hmmmm. And then you wanted your left leg dropped over England?"
"Yes," replied the Major. "That is correct as well."
"And now you say you want both of your arms dropped over England?"
"Correct again," replied the Major.
"Hmmmm, very interesting," mused the suspicious German officer. "Tell
me something, Major you're not trying to escape, are you?"
The two statues
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head."
The problem with the old women
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"
Yugo vs. Rolls-Royce
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The
driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the
Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls?
I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there,
too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in
there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course
I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in
there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away,
and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be
installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the
Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and
brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all
day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows
fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't
any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his
head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the
shower to tell me THIS?!?!"
Mahantir------ Prime minister of malasia..
Being on the right side.
When Mahathir completed more than a decade and a half at the helm of
Malaysia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on
He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of
The stamps were duly released, and Mahathir was pleased. But within a
couple of days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that
the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious.
He called the chief of police, Datuk Zaman Khan, and ordered him to
investigate the matter. Zaman checked the matter out at several post
offices, and then reported on the problem to Mahathir.
He said: "Tuan, the stamp is really of international quality. The
problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side."
A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up
the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an
hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.
"I've got a problem, Boss, I'm stuck here, I've hit a pig."
"Ah, well, these things happen sometimes," says the boss, "Just drag the
carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark".
"But he's not dead, Boss, he's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and
I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's
real big, Boss, I'm afraid he's gunna hurt me".
"Never mind," said the Boss, "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back,
get that out and shoot him, then drag the carcass off the road, and come
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the
young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem,
"Well, I did what you said Boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
"Yeah Boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the ute."
Jesus is watching you
"Late one night, a burgler broke into a house. As he tiptoed
through the living room, he heard a voice say: "Jesus is watching
Nothing happened, so the burgler crept forward again. "Jesus is
watching you" - said the voice.
The burgler stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around. In a dark
corner he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it.
"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked.
"Yes" said the parrot.
The burgler breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What's
"Clarence" answered the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot,"
sneered the burgler. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot's answer: "The same idiot who named the Bulldog, Jesus."
You sonna bitch
(Must be read in an Italian accent)
One day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning, I go down to
eat breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bring
me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss on my plate. She say you
better not piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the
lady and she call me a sonna bitch.
Later I go out to eat at a bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon
and a knife, but no fock, I tella her I wanna fock. She tells me everyone
wants to fock. I tella her, "you no understand" I wanna fock on the table.
She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna bitch.
So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits on my bed. I
calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go the
toliet. I say you no understand, I wanna shit ona the bed. He say you
better no shit on the bed, you sonna bitch.
I go to the check out and the man at the desk say "peace to you". I say
piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I gonna go back to Italy.