A farmers wife was killed by a stallion's kick. Three days later the
priest pays a visit to express his sympathies. He asks the farmer if he
received a lot of mourning-letters. "Hardly any", answers the farmer.
"But I received a lot of applications for my stallion!".
The blue suit
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements
for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants
her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the
coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in,
this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the
same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her
husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with
her. So... I switched the heads"
Never wear my clothes
A woman on her death-bed says to her husband: "Promise me that
your next wife will never wear my clothes". "Hush now", says her
husband comforting. "Firstly you will be better soon and secondly
she's one foot smaller than you".
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the
neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy
panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so
he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a
bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at
the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you
hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um..
no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found
him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day
after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up,
gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be
some real sick people out there!"
A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides
to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's
doing. "It's going fine", the manager says, "Whem I'm on the court and
I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the
corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!". "Really? What
happens then?", the girl asks enthusiastic. "Then my body says:
Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!".
Spelling Test at the Pearlies
A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is
greeted by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims. "It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter." Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St Peter replies.
"What word?" she asks.
"Any word," answers St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love.
St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune of making it into Heaven and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a moment while he goes to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word, just as she had done. So the woman takes St. Peter's chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates. It is her husband!
"What happened?" she cries. "Why are you here?" Her husband explains,"I was so upset when I left your funeral that I got into an automobile accident. Now I am here, ready to join you in Heaven."
"Not just yet," the woman replies. "First you must must spell a
"What word?" he asks.
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the
newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation
Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.
I am writing in response to your request for additional information
in Block #3 of theaccident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as
the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I
trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my
work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later
were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by
hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was
attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs
of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my
weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed
in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley
which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately
by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold
tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now
beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid
descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third
floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two
fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,
in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories
above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go
of the rope.
Three at a time
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "Why do you order three at a time?" The Irishman
replies, "Well,you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the
other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an
orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he
comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye
and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Chu chee chen
An American received a fax from the brother of his good friend in China
saying that he had a serious accident and is in the hospital. The
American immediately flew to Beijing to be by his friend's side at his
time of need.
As he was standing next to his bed, the Chinese said in a very excited
voice CHU CHEE CHEN ...... CHU CHEE CHEN .... CHU CHEE CHEN and
finally passed away. Very puzzled by his friend's final words he went
to the Brother and asked, what does CHU CHEE CHEN mean. With tears in
his eyes, the brother replied "He was saying Take your foot off the