On Signs


On Signs :

1. A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost
wrote upon it: "I pray for all."
A Solicitor wrote underneath: "I plead for all."
A doctor added: "I prescribe for all."
A simple citizen wrote: "I pay for all."

4. After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary:
"Why did you write such a long speech for me? U saw how those
people were feeling bored!" The secretary replied, "Sir, it
wasn't a lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake-
I gave u all 3 copies of the speech."

5. A Rotary visitor to Japan told a joke lasting 2 minutes.
The interpreter then translated using only a few words. Everyone
laughed. Afterwards the visitor asked the interpreter how he
translated such a long joke so quickly. "Well, I didn't think
they would get the point, so I said, "Our guest has just told
a joke. Everyone please laugh."

Kids Say The Darndest Things

Kids say the darnedest things. Some grade school teachers must
agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things
their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

- The future of "I give" is "I take."

- The parts of speech are lungs and air.

- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

- A census taker is man who goes from house to house
increasing the population.

- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold
water.

- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing
it through an aviator.

- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the
top and you sit on the bottom.

- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get
our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
constipated authorities.

- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until
it drips into the throat.

- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were
deeply religious feelings.

- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at
the top and plural at the bottom.

- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up
the other.

- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

Well-written Ads

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks
old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward.
Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant.
Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35;
Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for
lady with thick legs and large
drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old.
Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears
pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine
operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh
fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with
machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined
sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a
German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from
grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do
it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is
fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home
exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in
Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as
Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking
backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it
all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis
courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in
24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of
the family appreciates.

Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy
dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Man wanted to work in dynamite
factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be
cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts
for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or
fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth
potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that
does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher needed for
pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your
child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are
simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and
delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in
cutting-off-head illusion.

Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age
children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be
capable of contributing to growth of
family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a
cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in
size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and
adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.

50% Off Our Rockers!

Tires Slashed 30%!

Panda Joke


A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the
sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda
stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You
just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it
up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition
for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
Proverbs

A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave
each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them
me up with the rest.

As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is........................................not much.
Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,cry and .............................you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.